


EPISODE SEVEN: "The Him He Wants To Be"

by gaypetersimmonds



Series: Skam Brighton: Season Three [8]
Category: Original Work, SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Character of Color, Canon Gay Character, Canon Jewish Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Non-Binary Character, Canon Trans Character, Episode 7, Gen, M/M, SKAM Season 3, ableism from bryan!, and some more ableism, sandy and jake have A Conversation lads, specifically towards mentally ill people, tw for discussion of abuse/outing/racial violence/homophobic violence, tw for discussion of abuse/suicide/depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-12 14:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21477865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaypetersimmonds/pseuds/gaypetersimmonds
Summary: Jake Love is tired. Tired of pretending that he likes his friends, that he doesn’t like his ex-friends. Tired of pretending that he likes girls. But he's happy enough to sleep through life.That is, until he gets a wake up call from the new guy at school.As they become closer friends, Jake’s worries get higher and higher, and he’s going to do whatever he can not to fall.FIRST CLIP: "This Shit Is So Depressing"
Series: Skam Brighton: Season Three [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1498070
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. CLIP ONE: "This Shit Is So Depressing"

**MONDAY, 18TH NOVEMBER, 08:58**

EXT. ENTRANCE, BACA

_“Life In Italics” by Clout From Grandma’s Closet_ plays as we see a backshot of JAKE walking towards the school door, his hoodie hood up, passing by small group of people. He looks all around, not seeing anyone he knows. He closes his eyes and keeps on walking.

INT. HALLWAY, BACA

JAKE walks in, in slow motion, and looks across the hallway to see ELEANOR pulling ALISTAIR closer to a group of girls, all of them laughing as ALISTAIR laughs along, looking to the opposite end of the hall.

JAKE’s gaze hardens, as he starts to walk towards him. A GUY bumps into JAKE, knocking his headphones out, stopping the music.

GUY  
Sorry.

JAKE looks at him like “please just fuck off”, and he does. JAKE puts his headphones into his pocket and looks over to ALISTAIR. In front of him, NICK is waving for him to come over to him, JAMES and THEO.

NICK  
Dude!

JAKE smiles awkwardly and waves, walking slowly over to them.

NICK  
Theo, are you free for the morning?

THEO  
I have ICT.

NICK  
Well, that’s just homophobic.

JAKE  
What-- What are you guys doing?

JAMES  
Me and Nick are gonna nap.

JAKE laughs.

JAKE  
With each other?

JAMES  
Yeah. We’re bros.

JAMES holds out his fist and NICK bumps it with his own, JAKE trying not to look too uncomfortable.

NICK  
Fisting!

THEO  
Hey, don’t say that.

JAMES  
It’s okay, we just have to say no homo.

JAMES holds NICK’s hand and looks into his eyes dramatically, THEO beginning to laugh, JAKE still not entirely clear if this is okay or not.

JAMES  
No homo, my love.

NICK laughs too, slightly awkward, but only JAKE seems to notice.

NICK  
No homo, bro. Hey, speaking of no homo, guess who talked to Rori?

THEO gasps dramatically and JAKE smiles, genuinely happy for him.

JAKE  
Nice!

THEO  
Wait, I already knew that, ‘cause you told us twice. 

NICK  
But not Jake though! Okay so, she was alone, right? Dancing, having fun, then I started dancing with her, also having fun… And then I kissed her, and she wasn’t grossed out! We just kept kissing and it went on for two! Whole! Songs!

He grins, very proud of himself, as JAKE nods, not as interested as NICK thinks he is, but still trying to pretend to be.

JAKE  
Cool.

JAMES  
Dude, she likes it when you play with her hair, it’s cute.

NICK nods, as THEO tilts his head at JAKE.

THEO  
You okay, dude?

JAKE points at himself and THEO nods, like “yes, you idiot”.

JAKE  
Yeah. Yeah, I’m-- I’m just chilling.

THEO  
Okay, cool. Thought you died Friday.

JAKE laughs, trying to cover up how he actually feels about that night, and the bell rings.

THEO  
Have a nice nap, nerds.

He walks off, and NICK begins to walk back out the door, JAMES staying still.

NICK  
You coming?

JAMES  
One sec.

NICK waits, leaning on the wall, as JAMES looks at JAKE, JAKE nodding awkwardly.

JAKE  
Uh, I can't cuddle right now. I have to study.

JAMES  
Yeah, yeah, just-- You know we’re cool, right?

JAKE nods, looking anywhere but JAMES’s eyes.

JAKE  
Yeah, yeah, totally. Um, I gotta get to, uh, the library. Big English project.

JAMES nods, smiling encouragingly as JAKE walks away, rolling his eyes, frustrated at himself as he gets lost in the crowd.


	2. CLIP TWO: "Why Can't We Have Happy Endings?"

**TUESDAY, 19TH NOVEMBER, 00:00**

INT. JAKE’S ROOM, JAMES’S APARTMENT

JAKE lies on his makeshift bed, scrolling through his phone, as the dialogue and music before _“Gotta Go My Own Way” from High School Musical 2_ plays from the other room. He’s switching between his constantly refreshing Instagram dashboard and explore page. There’s nothing there - nothing that catches his eye.

That is, until a new post appears after many refreshes. JAKE lets out a short breath as he sees a picture from KAYLA’s account of a group of dancers, someone with ginger hair, with their back to the camera, leading them. JAKE closes his eyes and turns his phone off. He lies on his side and listens as the song plays for a while. He takes a breath, making a choice, and blesses himself.

JAKE  
Hey, um, God? Or Jesus or Mary or whoever’s there. It’s-- It’s me. Jake. And, um… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I-- I feel sick all of the time. I don’t wanna leave, but I don’t wanna stay. I-- I’m not sad-- I mean, I kind of am, but… It’s weird. It’s like I’ve been feeling this big, thick sadness for so long that this thin sadness is like… a relief? I-- I think I might be dying. [pause] Am I? An answer would be nice. Please. If-- If you can give me one?

He sighs, looking down at his hands, judging himself. He rolls his eyes and picks up his phone again, going into his messages and looking at all of the old ones, all of the new ones he hasn’t read yet. No one’s talking about him anywhere. 

There’s a notification from the theatre club chat. ALISTAIR has left the group. JAKE opens his direct messages with ALISTAIR and types “hey”. He waits for a second, and then sends it. It doesn’t get delivered. He sends it again. It doesn’t get delivered.

JAKE  
Wait.

He goes to Google and searches “what happens when someone blocks your number”. He reads the results - it’s what’s happened to him.

JAKE  
Shit.

He goes up to the beginning of his messages with ALISTAIR, and begins to screenshot them, but he gets interrupted by a notification for a message from his mother: “Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the Lord.’ 2 Kings 20:5”.

He groans, rolling his eyes. and then gets another message: “Why can’t we have happy endings?”. He stares at it for a moment, and shuts his phone down, putting it into his school bag and staring at the ceiling, not tired at all. He takes his pillow from under his head and covers his face with it, pressing it down on his ears,_ “Gotta Go My Own Way”_ still playing.


	3. CLIP THREE: "Act Like You Are Too"

**WEDNESDAY, 20TH NOVEMBER, 16:53**

EXT. PARK

_“hello!” by ROLE MODEL_ plays as we watch JAKE jog alone around the park, passing groups of teenagers, acting the same friendly way the theatre club did last week. He sees BRIANNA with them, and jogs faster so she doesn’t see him.

He keeps going, looking around, extremely bored. A black girl on a bike passes him, and he slows down for a second, looking at her. Out of the corner of the eyes, he sees someone coming after him.

He looks behind himself and sees BRYAN running after him. He looks ahead again, mouthing “fuck” to himself as he runs past someone with a video camera on a bench. They film him, without him noticing as BRYAN runs quickly past, catching up with JAKE. He taps him on the shoulder, and JAKE takes his earphones out, annoyed but still jogging.

BRYAN  
Haven’t seen you at practise lately.

JAKE looks at him like "yeah, obviously".

JAKE  
I was busy.

BRYAN awkwardly laughs.

BRYAN  
With your singing buddies?

JAKE  
Yeah.

There’s a very awkward pause, both of them sitting jogging.

BRYAN  
Jake, I--

JAKE  
Don’t.

Another pause. BRYAN groans, slowing down, JAKE matching his pace until they stop.

BRYAN  
I’m trying to be a good person here, Jake. Can’t you just get over this bullshit and come back? We kinda need a good goalkeeper, and we both know you can’t dance for your life.

JAKE  
You can just find another.

BRYAN  
You know most people in the school are shit. We carry that team. Together. Remember, back when we were kids? This was all we wanted.

JAKE rolls his eyes.

JAKE  
I don't want it anymore. Just fuck off, Bryan, okay? I honestly can’t be asked with you right now.

JAKE starts to jog off.

BRYAN  
Just because your mum’s sick in the head doesn’t mean you have to act like you are too.

JAKE suddenly halts and turns around.

JAKE  
I’m not--

BRYAN gives him a look, saying “yes, you are”, and then turns and jogs the other way, leaving JAKE to stand on his own for a few moments. He takes out his phone and turns on his 4G, and then Googles in an incognito tab: “is craziness genetic?”. He clicks on a BBC article titled “Do You Inherit Your Parent’s Mental Illness?”.

He moves to the side of the path, leaning against a tree as he begins to read: “For a lot of people, mental health is a difficult thing to talk about. But those who deal with these issues can often point to family members with similar problems. Do I get depressed because of the trauma of losing my father in such tragic circumstances? Or is it written into my DNA?”.

He quickly closes the tab, holding his phone screen against his knee as some people walk past. He watches them laugh, and then looks around himself, trying to figure out why he isn’t like that. He decides to ignore what he’s thinking.

He takes out his earphones from his pocket and puts them in, jogging off, back down the path, past the person with the video camera again, not looking at them. The person moves the camera down a little, away from their face.

It’s ALISTAIR.

He’s expressionless, tilting the shot slightly to the right. He then sits up a little, moving his body to the right.

JAKE keeps jogging, ALISTAIR still filming him in the distance, but JAKE doesn't see him. He just keeps jogging and jogging and jogging until he's panting for breath.


	4. CLIP FOUR: "Every Person's An Island"

**THURSDAY, 21ST NOVEMBER, 14:08**

INT. NURSE’S OFFICE, BACA

JAKE sits in a chair, alone, awkwardly looking around as NURSE STENBERG types quickly at their desk opposite him. He nervously bites his thumbnail as NURSE STENBERG turns around, a big smile on their face.

NURSE STENBERG  
So! What seems to be the problem?

JAKE  
Oh, um… Well, I don’t know.

NURSE STENBERG  
If you just wanted to get out of class, you could’ve just skipped it and went to town. This is pretty boring, honestly.

JAKE laughs a little, still nervous.

JAKE  
No, I-- I’m fine that way, I just don’t really know what’s wrong with me? I-- I mean, I have an idea, I just… Don’t really know.

NURSE STENBERG  
Well… That’s specific.

They laugh to themself, and then get up to go over to the door of the office, closing it tighter and then sitting back down.

NURSE STENBERG  
So, what’s up, Jake Love?

JAKE  
Um… You’re a doctor, right?

NURSE STENBERG  
Nurse.

JAKE  
There’s a difference?

NURSE STENBERG takes a deep breath, and then smiles again.

NURSE STENBERG  
So I’m a nurse. What’s the problem?

JAKE  
I… Well, I’ve been having trouble sleeping.

NURSE STENBERG  
Me too, to be honest.

JAKE  
So what do you do?

NURSE STENBERG  
Just stare at the ceiling and wait to be pulled into the void.

There’s a pause, but then they laugh, JAKE nervously joining in.

JAKE  
That’s what I’ve been doing, it-- It hasn’t helped.

NURSE STENBERG  
Hmm… Well, how long’s it been happening?

JAKE  
A-- A while. I mean, ever since I can remember, but it’s gotten worse this past year.

NURSE STENBERG  
Why, do you think?

JAKE shrugs, slumping down in his seat a bit.

JAKE  
Just… been feeling worse, I guess. I mean, not worse. This is just how it is, but it’s been getting worse than the way it’s been.

NURSE STENBERG  
What was the way it’s been?

JAKE  
Like… For the past few years, I only feel things in bursts. I don’t know I’m happy until it’s over. I don’t know I’m sad until it’s 3AM and I can’t sleep. I didn't even know I was lonely until... But now it’s like I can barely feel anything. I-- I don’t feel empty. I feel like I’ve been emptied out and filled up with this numbness. And I’ve been trying to act like it isn’t there, but it’s always there, and I’m just so tired all of the time now, and I can’t get myself to do anything - not even a damn school project - and I hate everyone else so much for being so happy all of the time, and I hate them for not knowing I’m feeling this way, even though I never fucking talk about it. [pause] Sorry, Mx.

NURSE STENBERG  
It’s-- It’s fine, express yourself how you want.

JAKE  
I-- I just… Yeah. That’s it.

There’s a pause, NURSE STENBERG nodding, trying to work out what to say.

NURSE STENBERG  
Did-- Did something bad ever happen to you? Complete confidentiality here.

JAKE  
I mean, my dad died in June, but… I’m over that. I didn’t even like him that much.

NURSE STENBERG  
Grief can be hard to handle, Jake.

JAKE straightens up.

JAKE  
But I don’t have anything to grieve. He was always sick, always rude, never gave a shit, I-- I don’t even care!

NURSE STENBERG  
Okay, you’re getting worked up, so I’m getting a hint you care.

JAKE folds his arms, sighing.

JAKE  
He-- He wasn’t going to die... He was getting better, you know? He was home and everything. But then he gave himself too much morphine one day. Just left us. 

NURSE STENBERG takes this in, as JAKE laughs a little.

JAKE  
Wish I could’ve done that.

NURSE STENBERG  
I’m so sorry, Jake.

JAKE  
Not your fault, so there’s no point in apologising.

NURSE STENBERG nods, JAKE looking away, feeling too watched.

NURSE STENBERG  
Why do you say he “left”?

JAKE  
Because he never liked us. Well, he never liked my mother much. I just happened to be a product of that lovely union. He wanted to leave, would always mutter it, but he couldn’t.

NURSE STENBERG  
Why not?

JAKE  
My mum’s sick too. Not in the same way, though. She-- She’s sick in the head.

NURSE STENBERG  
That’s not very nice to say, Jake.

JAKE  
It’s true, though. She goes from blasting the greatest hits of the eighties and scrubbing the entire house down to not being able to get out of bed for months. And she won’t go to the doctor. She doesn’t trust them after what happened to her mother. She had problems too. Never got better. [chuckles] I was born into such a lucky family.

NURSE STENBERG looks at him like “this isn’t the time to joke”.

NURSE STENBERG  
Do you take care of your mother?

JAKE  
I want to, but she doesn’t want my help. She’ll let me take care of myself, but she won’t let me get a job to pay the bills. Sometimes she acts like I’m still a child, sometimes she acts like I’m my father. She just can’t see  _ me.  _ I can’t talk to her about anything. 

NURSE STENBERG  
Have you talked to someone? Before me, obviously.

JAKE  
No?

NURSE STENBERG  
Maybe you should. The guidance councillor, your GP… A friend?

JAKE scoffs.

JAKE  
I-- I don’t need help like that.

NURSE STENBERG  
By the sounds of it, Jake, you might be depressed.

JAKE does a mix between a laugh and a scoff, turning up his nose.

JAKE  
I-- I’m not. I don’t listen to emo music and I don’t slit my wrists.

NURSE STENBERG  
That’s not what depression is. Depression’s like… Like when your mum sits in her room for months.

JAKE  
I don’t do that, though, I’m not like her. I don’t do crazy shit, okay? I’m-- I’m normal. I’m the most normal person.

NURSE STENBERG  
“Normal” people can be depressed. 

JAKE  
Nurse Stenberg, with all due respect, I’m not depressed. I think I would know better than you.

NURSE STENBERG  
Okay. Understandable. You know yourself better. But I know mental illnesses, okay? Have a few myself. And when I look at you, I see a kid who needs someone to help him.

JAKE pouts, looking around, blinking rapidly.

JAKE  
I’m not a kid. I… 

NURSE STENBERG  
You’re what? Sixteen, seventeen?

JAKE  
Sixteen… 

NURSE STENBERG  
A child. 

JAKE  
I’m basically an adult.

NURSE STENBERG raises their eyebrows, moving their hand to say “explain”.

JAKE  
I do grown up things. I-- I drink. I smoke. I do worse shit. 

NURSE STENBERG  
How much?

JAKE  
I don’t know. The usual. At the weekends. When I need to relax. When I don’t feel anything.

NURSE STENBERG  
You can’t fill the void in you with booze. I know it’s cliche to say that alcohol is bad, but it is. You kids get so wrapped up in being above what you’re told, that you forget you’re kids. You’re not meant to be drinking and doing drugs. You’re meant to be learning who you are, with a clear, healthy mind. Your brains don’t fully develop until you’re twenty-five. You’re nine years away from that. 

JAKE sighs, biting his nails again.

JAKE  
What am I meant to do, then? Just stop?

NURSE STENBERG  
No. This isn’t the end, this is the beginning, okay? Getting help is the beginning of an amazing story for you.

JAKE  
But it’s not a story. It’s my life. I have to live this, every damn day, it’s-- It’s exhausting. I don’t know what I’m meant to do.

NURSE STENBERG  
Get help.

JAKE  
But I don’t… There can’t be more people who feel like this. This-- This can’t be a thing that happens all the time.

NURSE STENBERG  
It is. More that 300 million people are clinically depressed. You’re not alone, Jake. 

JAKE  
I feel like I am.

NURSE STENBERG  
But you’re not.

JAKE nods, trying not to seem as touched as he is. NURSE STENBERG leans forward.

NURSE STENBERG  
Do you know that old saying “Every person is an island”?

JAKE  
No.

NURSE STENBERG  
Well, it means just that. Every person's an island. And it says that the only way we can build a bridge to get across to others is through words. If we don’t build bridges, we don’t get supplies to stay alive. We don’t know what’s going on in the world. We just get isolated.

JAKE  
So I need to build a bridge?

NURSE STENBERG  
You need to talk to someone. I’m going to get you an appointment with your GP about this, but you should talk to a friend.

JAKE  
I don’t have any friends.

NURSE STENBERG  
Sure you do. I’ve seen you around with people.

JAKE  
They’re not my friends. They’re just people who tolerate me because we’re in the theatre club.

NURSE STENBERG  
Why did you join the theatre club? You like theatre?

JAKE  
No. I, um, I wanted to connect with an old friend of mine.

NURSE STENBERG  
Then talk to them.

They turn to their computer and begin to type, JAKE biting his fingernails as he takes his phone out of his pocket and opens SANDY’s number on Whatsapp. The last messages are from last year. He takes a breath, and begins to type: “Hey do you want to hang out tomorrow after school? I need to talk to you about something. Something serious. Please get back to me quickly.”

He looks up at NURSE STENBERG, who’s dialling a number on their phone. He hits send on the message.

NURSE STENBERG  
Hello? This is Nurse Stenberg from Brighton Aldridge Community Academy. I’m calling to arrange an appointment for Jacob Love with Dr. Corrigan. [pause] When?

They look at JAKE.

JAKE  
Whenever’s next free.

They nod.

NURSE STENBERG  
The earliest slot you have, please.

JAKE nods, mostly to himself, smiling a bit. He looks down at his phone. The message has sent, and SANDY’s typing something. He gets the message: “sure, i’m free. as long as it isn’t a trick.” He smiles wider. He send back: “It’s not. Thank you.”


	5. CLIP FIVE: "Alive"

**FRIDAY, 22ND NOVEMBER, 15:39**

EXT. BEACH

JAKE sits on a wall facing the sea, holding a greasy newspaper full of chips, eating one himself as he stares out into the sea. A seagull flies down to him and steals a chip from his paper.

JAKE  
Hey!

The seagull flies off before JAKE can do anything, so he sighs, eating another chip as SANDY walks over to him, her face trying to be expressionless, but looks a bit nervous, as she sits next to him.

SANDY  
Hey.

JAKE  
Hey.

There’s an awkward pause, JAKE still eating.

SANDY  
Saw you get your food stolen.

JAKE laughs a little, awkward.

JAKE  
Yeah. Do you want one, or…?

SANDY  
No thanks. Not really hungry.

JAKE  
Okay.

There’s a pause, JAKE eating another chip as they both watch the sea in uncomfortable silence. SANDY eventually turns to him.

SANDY  
Look, what do you want?

JAKE  
What?

SANDY  
You wanted to talk about something. Can-- Can we just get it over with? No offence, I just-- Me and the girls are going to the cinema and then having a sleepover tonight, so… Places to go, people to see…

They both awkwardly laugh a little.

JAKE  
Yeah… Just… You-- You know how, um, that video went around of me? Saying I’m, uh, I’m gay?

SANDY nods, uncomfortable.

JAKE  
Well, uh, it’s true. I-- I am.

He looks at her, waiting for a reaction. She shrugs, self conscious.

SANDY  
Okay? Cool, I guess?

JAKE  
Okay. Cool.

There’s an awkward pause, with them staring at each other.

SANDY  
Is that it?

JAKE  
No, no, just… I had to tell someone. Someone who would understand how hard it is.

SANDY  
What?

JAKE  
You know, being gay, coming out later, bad reactions.

SANDY  
Yeah, but it’s different. I was violently outed and literally got _beat up_ for being a lesbian. You got casually outed and what’s happened to you, huh?

JAKE  
I-- I lost my friends.

SANDY  
You hated them.

JAKE  
Still. It’s-- It’s the same thing. Sort of.

SANDY laughs, tightening her ponytail.

SANDY  
You were outed. Yeah, that's really shitty, and it feels terrible, but... I mean, look at you. You look perfectly fine. Nothing's changed.

JAKE looks away, not saying anything. 

SANDY  
You know, I didn’t realise until I explained it to the girls that you’d outed me. I thought you’d just done it to get me out of there. You would’ve used any old excuse, but… You outed me, Jake. I wasn’t ready. I’d barely even came out to myself at that point, and you-- You just ruined it. And I got hit. And I got hate. And it was the worst few weeks of my life.

JAKE  
I didn’t mean to. Seriously.

SANDY  
You should’ve thought about it before you did anything. It’s different for us. Yes, it’s hard for you. You’re gay. You get homophobic shit. That sucks. But you’re also white, and you’re a cis man. That doesn’t go away when you realise you like boys. And-- Jake, I was a black girl in a relationship with a white boy who gets off on dominating black girls _because_ they're black. You could’ve talked to him. Talked to me, even. Made me see things instead of going behind my back and doing something like that.

JAKE  
I just told Rory, he’s the one who--

SANDY  
He wouldn’t have told everybody if you hasn’t have told him. You’ve always had a mouth on you, Jake, and it’s never done you any good.

There’s a pause, JAKE avoiding all eye contact.

JAKE  
I'm really sorry, Sandy. I genuinely didn’t mean to.

SANDY  
You just wanted Bryan to hear. And then what would he have done? Yelled at me? Beaten the shit out of me? 

JAKE  
Sandy--

SANDY  
I don’t want to hear your sorries, okay? I know it was bad. I know you wanted to help. I know I should’ve just left, but… I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

JAKE  
You… You thought no one else would have you.

SANDY looks at him, swallowing a lump in her throat, and nods.

JAKE  
I know you went through hell, Sandy. I know I probably helped it. And I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. Every bit of hurt I’ve made you feel, just-- It’s terrible. Truly. I would do anything to go back and do it differently.

SANDY  
Well, it’s done now. Nothing but a memory.

There’s a pause, SANDY taking a chip from JAKE’s paper.

JAKE  
Do you ever wish you knew from the start? That-- That you were gay.

SANDY  
Hundred percent. I would give anything to just start over and have this whole happy life. [pause] And you?

JAKE  
I don’t know. I-- I kind of always knew. Felt different. Didn’t want to be. Still don’t. It-- It’s weird, you know? I’m sort of out now, but it’s like nothing changed.

SANDY nods.

SANDY

Unless it’s something outrageous, people are too wrapped up in themselves to notice others. And it’s not like everything’s about you, Jake.

There’s another pause, JAKE and SANDY looking at each other for a while.

JAKE  
I know. And-- And I'll never say that I'm sorry enough, and I'm not asking you to forgive me. I just don't want you to hate me, because I still like you. And, um, you know you can talk to me? About Bryan. I-- I can’t promise I’ll understand--

SANDY  
Jake. I have people I can talk to. My mum, my friends… I’ve actually been seeing this counsellor lately. The school one. She helps me. A lot. And it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s just… You remind me too much of him. Talking to you just makes me think of the girl I was then.

JAKE nods.

JAKE  
I get it. 

He looks at her, waiting for confirmation to go on. She nods, and he takes a moment, scared to let himself speak.

JAKE  
Whenever I see a picture of my dad, I… I just remember everything about him. How angry he got, how sad, how… mean. And I look just like him, so it’s almost like I’m… 

SANDY nods.

JAKE  
But... The more time that passes, the-- The more I actually think about it, it sort of lessens? Like, I still feel awful, but not as awful. So... I don't know. I always felt better talking to you about stuff than the boys, and then you left, which was really brave of you to do, and... My dad died, and I just felt alone, so... I just kind of want someone to talk to.

SANDY  
I get it. When my dad left, my mum would always try to get me to talk about it with her. But I don’t really talk with my dad, so… It’s weird. Going from seeing someone every day to not seeing them at all. It’s almost worse than them dying, ‘cause you know they’re out there, living their life without you.

JAKE nods, thinking for a moment.

SANDY  
You okay?

JAKE  
Yeah, just... I really wish... I wish things were different. But, like, it can't be. And... I kind of have a problem. It's nothing compares to what you went through, but--

SANDY  
It's still a problem. What is it?

JAKE takes a deep breath and then looks at her.

JAKE  
I’m in love, Sandy. 

There’s a beat.

SANDY  
Shit.

JAKE  
The guy’s fucking perfect. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s beautiful, he’s-- He’s so fucking _alive_. It’s unbelievable. He makes me happy, he's the first person in a long time that's made me feel... like people give a shit about it. It’s like he’s the sun-- No, no, it’s like every day’s the best day of his life, but it’s also like… He’s very extreme with everything. It’s fun, but… Scary. Bit like… You know, he doesn’t tell me things. I think he wants me to think he’s perfect. And I do, God, I do. But I want to think all of him’s perfect, you know? Not just the him he wants to be.

SANDY  
Yeah, yeah… Who does he want to be, though?

JAKE  
I don’t know. I mean, probably what we all want to be. Organised and put together and not a mess.

SANDY  
Damn, yeah… 

She’s waiting for JAKE to say something. He doesn’t, he’s looking at the sea. It’s stormy blue-grey, like ALISTAIR's eyes. JAKE takes a moment before he looks back at SANDY.

SANDY  
So why don't you just talk to him about it?

JAKE  
Yeah, I don't think I can.

SANDY  
Why?

JAKE  
Last time I saw him, he was making out with my ex.

SANDY lets out a low breath.

SANDY  
That’s rough. Which ex?

JAKE  
Eleanor Early.

SANDY  
Wait, what? You dated _ Eleanor Early?! _

JAKE  
I was desperate!

They laugh for a moment, and it's just like old times, for a moment.

JAKE  
But… I just wanna know him. But it’s like he’s always doing something else. He talks in this pretentious way that I would hate if I didn’t love him. It’s like he’s scripted everything. Like he’s just playing this part. 

SANDY nods.

JAKE  
I don’t even know if he likes me. As a fucking friend.

There’s a pause.

SANDY  
Just to be clear, we’re talking about Al, right?

JAKE  
“Al”?

SANDY  
What? We’re friends. I know what he’s like. I saw him reading poetry once. Not even for class. For _ fun _. And he was writing his own beside it - Brianna said he looked like he was planning a very pretty murder.

They both laugh, leaning into each other.

SANDY  
God, you like a nerd. Big jock Jake likes a _ nerd _.

JAKE  
You can’t talk, your girlfriend’s a musical theatre director.

SANDY  
Well, you got me there.

JAKE  
Star of the football team with the nerd, very Disney Channel.

SANDY  
[laughing] Fuck off!

There’s a little pause, a little awkward, so small you almost don’t notice it.

SANDY  
You know, this is like fucking confession, this.

JAKE  
Yeah, I’m a picture perfect priest.

SANDY laughs, loudly, genuinely, and JAKE joins in. It’s happy, for a moment.

JAKE  
Do you think we’re ever gonna be friends again? Real friends? This is confession, so no lies.

SANDY laughs a little.

SANDY  
I don't know. I-- I don't know when I can get over what you did, but... I'm willing to try, Jake. To be your friend again. But the second you pull any shit, I'm out.

JAKE nods, smiling a little.

JAKE  
Great.

SANDY  
It's just like... Everything always get so messy in my head, I never know what I should think.

JAKE  
I get it. I mean, according to the school nurse, I’m depressed, so… 

There’s a silence, finally comfortable and peaceful.

SANDY  
I feel like I’m bloody thirty.

JAKE  
God, me too.

SANDY  
I mean, we’ve both done all this shit… Is this normal? Is this what happens to everyone?

JAKE  
Maybe. We don’t know what’s going on with them.

SANDY  
Which is why we gotta share, so… Thanks for sharing. And letting me share too.

JAKE  
You’re welcome. And thank you.

There’s an awkward pause, but JAKE decides to do something about it. He hands SANDY a chip and takes one of his own, offering it up as a toast.

JAKE  
To our fucked up, normal as shit lives.

SANDY laughs, watching an old couple passing by turn up their noses at them. She turns to JAKE and they mimic their expressions, laughing.

SANDY  
Cheers!

They cheers their chips and eat them, smiling as _“Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie_ begins to play. JAKE leans on SANDY’s shoulder and looks out to the sea, watching the waves rolling in - a new tide. He closes his eyes, as close to calm as he can be.

SANDY  
It’s bloody freezing.

JAKE laughs - loud and brash, and we pan out, JAKE and SANDY small against the Brighton skyline as they eat chips and talk, looking like normal teenagers from a distance. It’s on the verge of happiness.

_ CUT TO END CREDITS AS THE SONG CONTINUES _

_ CUT TO BLACK _


End file.
